Lion 3: Straight to Trollfic
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Steven finds something peculiar in Lion's mane. As a consequence, the Crystal Gems begin bonding over stories. feat. MarrissaTheWriter, XXXbloodyrists666XXX and more!
1. A Mysterious Artifact

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

After repeatedly jumping in and out of the secret dimension that was apparently inside Lion's mane, Steven decided that his pet's growling meant that the land was to be taken seriously. He thus took a deep breath and entered the dimension once again.

There was the same all-familiar fur that seemed to extend indefinitely. Steven noted that immediately, but couldn't find anything else.

 _Am I… supposed to do something here?_ Steven thought, unable to say anything as the dimension seemed to make him lose his breath. After another careful look, though, he noticed an island in the distance, sticking out like a hill, with some random objects on it. He thus began his journey towards the island, occasionally dipping back into the real life to take a breath.

When he finally made it to the top of the island, he could begin to make sense of the objects. The most noticeable feature was the tree in the center. Surrounded by it were a flag with a pink pattern that reminded Steven of his shield, a shirt that read "Mr. Universe" that was hung onto the tree, a bubble containing a square-patterned gem, a pink sword that looked similar to the flag, a chest which would have more items, a framed photo of Greg and Rose and... bound-together sheets of paper?

The title page of the makeshift book was only named "For "Steven"". _For me?_ Steven thought. _But why is my name in quotation marks? Who put this here? And how does this huge place fit inside Lion's mane anyw... anyw…_

Whatever Steven was about to think next had to wait for the fact that he was still somewhere where he couldn't breathe. He began running down the hill, having picked the papers up, but tripped on a rock. Tightly holding onto the treasure, he rolled down, through Lion's mane and back into the real world, landing outside his house with a thud.

Just then, he noticed something inside the house. Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet, the "Crystal Gems" and his caretakers, were back from fighting whatever they used to fight. Pearl continued, as she seemed to be in the middle of something: " _And_ he keeps sleeping on Steven's face! But Steven doesn't want me watching anymore, so one of you two has to do it."

"Right in front of us." Garnet bluntly pointed towards her and the door. She and Amethyst nodded to each other, agreeing that Future Vision, one of Garnet's abilities, saved the day again, and began walking. Amethyst charged through the door head-first, but didn't quite calculate her move as Steven was hiding behind the wall next to the door, hoping to remain hidden from the other Crystal Gems, and suffered a strike from the door. He dropped onto the floor, began bleeding, and once he had lost most of his blood, closed his eyes and poofed back to his gem, never to return.

 _Or,_ that would have happened if Garnet hadn't predicted it in advance. Once Amethyst made her run, Garnet held her hand out and picked her up. Observing Amethyst run in the air, Garnet turned around and released her, making her run straight through to her room. As Pearl was chasing after the purple Gem, but also miscalculated her maneuvers and ended up inside her own room instead of the one she wanted to go to, Garnet walked towards the door, carefully opened it to a 90 degrees, walked outside and closed the door. She looked at Steven, who was still holding onto the papers.

"In the end, Rose Quartz gives up her physical form to give birth to you, and the last few paragraphs are from your perspective." Garnet once again noted, looking at the papers that Steven was holding. He finally released them, now knowing that there is a story inside. He opened the first page and began reading aloud.

" _AN: Hi guyz this is my first story its what I think happens iin Steven Universe Seeson 3!_ Wait, so I'm... a television show?" Steven wondered.

"You might want to go inside." As Garnet said that, a chilly wind began blowing through the nighttime sky, rustling the papers. Steven and Garnet thus went back in the house, Lion following them, and placed the first page on the ground. Steven thus continued reading.

* * *

 _AN: Hi guyz this is my first story its what I think happens iin Steven Universe Seeson 3!_

 ** _LION 3: SPECTATORS OF THE HOST_**  
 _CHAPTER 1 RETURN TO JASPIDOT AND A SUPER HUGE SURPRISE!_

 _Hi my name ish Rose Quartz and I was doing missions with those other gems Garnet Amythest and Pearl but they were on a mission an didnt bring me so I was all alone. Yellow Diamond had captured me in the ocean grass places and made us fight bad monsters. There was no thing fun bout themonsters an we fought them for millennia but were Crystal Gems an we don't need to sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing._

 _"FOR THE NEXT MISSION YOU WILL BE FIGHTING MY GEMS!" Yellow Diamond screemed to me. Some gems came out of weird hand spaceship and looked at me and I looked at them. The gems were one a green triangle_ _and the other a orange rhombus thing. "THERE NAMES ARE PERIDOT AN JASPERS NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD." Then Yellow Diamond started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry. Ever sinse she realized the other diamonds were dead before she became a goth emo and was always getting on my nerves._

 _"Hi b**** we are here to poof you." Peridot shrugged. I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Peridot. Jasper was just starin' at my bobs so I kicked her her gem place. That made her angry so she made Lion shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over and Jasper and Peridot were lolling at me. Peridot took out some drugs and she and Jasper STARTED TO SMOKE THEM. I was fed up with all of Grassy Planet and jumped from teh mane. I ladled onto the Crystal Temples hand and glared mean at Peridot and Jasper._

 _I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (AN not even gonna say that word LOL) so I had Lion portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant. Peridot angered at me an Jasper said "You broked are drugs now you will pay!" Ann she punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me and tried to beat me up some more with there gem destabelezers._

 _Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of ma heelin tears while THOSE JERK GEMS did more drugs and drank beer an past out an poofed. All I wanted was my centipeetle to comfort me but Yellow Diamond had sent it to fight in South America and Garnet Amythest and Perl had to go there an we didn't see eachother in moths. But most off all I wanted Greg Universe. He was the only nice human I ever met an he had a super sexay rocknroll singing voce, but my sword made him evil an he got shot in Homeworld by Pink Diamond. I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. Noone knows this, but Greg an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his Crystal Gem/human baby._

 _I wished for my room to make a window above me an I looked out an saw the Homeworld where Greg was. I missed him so much like a gem I missed a bunch. Tears droped down my face so Peridot and Jasper baffed in them and became alife agane an started lolling at me an calling me names like "Fat Uguly B****!" I stared rite at their lauffin' feces and said my first words!_

 _"OMFG YOU GEMZ ARE SOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!" An I ranned off my room holdin my sword in one hand an holding my shield in my other hand because my gem made it and it was nevar empty. My curly hare was streaming behind me an Garnet Amythest and Perl were saying how pretty and hot I was bu Jasper an Peridot poofed them aswell so they stopped yellin at me an I yelled at Jasper an Peridot too an said a lot of cusses. "Why cant I jus be a normal human girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn't space lost!" I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was._

 _There was a strange noise coming from the hand ship and I looked in a saw... Yellow Diamond was cutting herself! "PINK DIAMOND IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER'S NAME IS REALLY ROSE QUARTZ AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE GRASSY PLANET IF SHE BELEEVES!" Then poof and gem blood started goin everwhere and I realized that... Yellow Diamond had sewisided!111!1!_

 _THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE GREG WILL COME BACK AN IS YELLOW DIAMOND REALLY SEWISEDED? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!_

* * *

"I only have one question. Who is Yellow Diamond?" Steven wondered as the last parts of his brain that were to process English had shut down.

"Nobody you have to worry about. Now go to sleep." Garnet put the covers over Steven's bed, closed the book, put it in a shelf and walked back outside. Pearl and Amethyst had finally returned from their debacle, and ran towards Garnet as she opened the door, summoned her gauntlets and charged at Lion, immediately scaring him away.

The last thing that Steven heard before drifting off to sleep was Lion opening a portal, escaping to places yet to be explored by any human - or gem.

* * *

 _Author's idiotisms: No, there won't be a Caliborn's Story of Steven Universe. TV shows just don't work with the model that Caliborn is used to.  
_

 _Also, credit where credit's due: ITS MY LIFE! was originally written by Insane Guy of DOOM, as "MarrissaTheWriter"._


	2. Sole Confidante

_Author's idiotisms: You know, whatever the hell, I will continue this. But I will try for this to resemble ITS MY LIFE! a little bit less. (Still Insane Guy of DOOM's.)_

* * *

On some mornings, Steven didn't feel like getting out of bed. He was still laying, wide awake, and only occasionally rolling.

Then he fell out of bed.

Even then, it still took a whole minute for Steven to get moving. Sighing deeply, he put his covers on his bed, got dressed and climbed down the awkwardly-placed "upper part" of his room.

That was when he noticed the story he had taken out of Lion's mane, put on a table, closed so that only the title page could be seen. Even when he had been exposed to the idea that he could be just the main character of a television show, being watched somewhere, he still wanted to erase the quotation marks from the title, _For "Steven"_.

Then he began thinking about the fact that the title wasn't the only mistake that the author of the story did.

To begin with, Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet never separated. In the story, they stayed together. Steven recalled that one time when their fusion, Alexandrite, tried to get through dinner, but failed to do even such a simple task, and yet, the author assumed that they would attack together and even poof and regenerate together. Even now, Steven presumed that each of the Crystal Gems would be on her own mission.

That thought was interrupted by the high-pitched sound of the house's warp pad. Pearl had appeared, from whatever mission she and only she had. See? Thėy are able to be separated. That's what makes a good team, right?

"Steven! Is something the matter?" Pearl interrupted the half-gem's daydreaming. As she looked around, she noticed that Steven had placed his hand on the papers, as if he was hiding them.

"Not really." Steven picked the papers up.

"Well, if it's a piece of literature, I can always be the judge of that." Pearl did a gesture, extending her hands and pointing the fingers towards herself.

"Alright, fine." Steven dropped the papers and opened them, revealing the first chapter of a story apparently named "Lion 3: Spectators of the Host".

As soon as Pearl laid her eyes on the story, though, she launched herself backwards through Steven's "room", crashing through the window. Steven looked at her at the sound of glass breaking, and could only catch a glimpse of her as she continued to run away from the Crystal Temple.

"I'll see you soon, Rose." Steven said to the story and chased after Pearl. He took a shortcut through the already broken window, climbed down the stairs and ran to the beach. Since Pearl didn't like hanging out with humans (excluding Steven, of course) that much, there was really no other place to run to other than the beach, and therefore she was fairly easy to find.

"What's wrong, Pearl?" Steven asked.

" _How could one even write with so many grammar mistakes?!_ " Pearl exclaimed. "That is an _abomination_ that must be _destroyed!_ "

Steven was horrified both by Pearl's tone and her suggestion. "No way! Then I could never learn about the adventures that Rose had."

Pearl narrowed her eyes. "Rose? Why would the document be related to Rose Quartz?"

"I don't know. Looks like her name in it. Unless it's misspelled, as you suggest. Help me double check. R-O..."

"It's impossible!" Pearl returned to shouting. "If Rose had written the story, I would have known about it!"

"Pearl!" Steven shouted once more, but Pearl wasn't listening anymore. She pulled out her spear from her forehead gem and hit the ground so hard that the sand heated up and glass spires formed, going out of the place where the spear hit the ground.

"Alright, I am going to go now before you accidentally kill me." Steven began running backwards, knowing that "Bird Mom" could still seek after him and the document. He thus ran back to the Crystal Temple, swiped the papers, and continued running towards the door, thus entering Rose's room.

As the door away from the pink clouds closed, Steven set the document on... "Man, I really wish there was a table and a chair to read this."

Once Steven said this, a table and a chair had appeared, just as he asked. He sat on the chair, set the document on the table and flipped it to Chapter 2.

* * *

 _AN: Ok so the first chapper didnt go so well as I expeted since it was inductory but heres where the action picks up!  
_

 _alse this is a shutout to XxCrYsTaL-HeArT-bAbExX Imma sorry but Im the only ROSE QUARTZ THE WRITER and only I get to rite awsome storees!  
_

 ** _LION 3: SPECTATORS OF THE HOST_**  
 _CHapter 2 Yellow Diamond sewiseded?  
_

 _Yellow Diamond was poofed and I was the new Pink Diamond! I o-mouthed at the shock of the revelation only if Yellow Diamond hadnt sewiseded she could gife me the down lo. But I didnt want to rule the Homeworld because my best frends Garnet Amythest and Perl were hear but I kind of needed to go to Homeworld since it was unavodable since I had to get Greg back  
_

 _Just then Peridot an Jaspers unpoofed an began shottin more curses. "Your gonna pay now you dumb b****!" Shotted Peridot while Jasper wrote mean things on ma IRC like a SERTAN OTHER SOMEONE. I got the gem destabelezer that Yellow Diamond poofed herself with an got ready to fite them bu then I rembered ma tragedy about how I lost all ma relatives an all the Crystal Gems were poofed and I was reduced to tears.  
_

 _Littel did I know that the tears combined with the gem destabelezer made a HURTIN TEARS. I shook some an it went through the gem destabelezer and made electricity go everwhere an it hit Peridot an Jasper an they were poofed again. Some of my normal teers were hittin Yellow Diamond tho an she became alife!_

 _"YOU STOPED MY SEWISED ROSE QUARTZ THAT WAS NOT NISE!" Yellow Diamond said an put on more Avril Lavinge and tried to take my gem destabelezer so she cold make a new dead bu I had a trick. I was gonno threaten her so she told me all the truths or else her hand ship wold be BLOWN UP an Peridot an Jaspers wold be STRANDED sins Garnet Amythest and Perl were destroyin the Galaxy Warp rite now. I ponted it at her sayin I woldnt give it to her until she answers ma questions. "Ok ok" Yellow Diamond nodded in feer as I asked her.  
_

 _"Where is Greg Universe my true love?!" I said an Yellow Diamond said that he is in Homeworld and that I will be thrown in prisen togetha with him. I thought about how I cold space but then Garnet unpoofed and said "dude youre literally in a spaceship right now" and Amythest and Perl followed. We all got in the ship (not Peridot an Jaspers though since I threw them out) an Pearl set a course for Homeworld while I was still pinin Yellow DIamond. Rocks came out of the sand (AN i herd that superheeted sand makes glass an throwin these facts in are what makes a story betta!) an we were off the Grassy Planet._

 _Homeworld came up fast and I could see how it hed changed in 5K years. There were now buildings everwhere an space junk that other Pearls were sweepin up bu I realized that in space no one can heer you scream! Thats why I herd no futuristic sounds so I ponted the gem destabelezer away from Yellow Diamond and into space an it worked as a telsecope so I cold look around an there in a space prison cell I saw... GREG!_

 _We pointed towards Greg an Perl did her expert pilotin an we could hear him turn the music up this was awesome! "LET ME DRIVE MY VAN INTO YOUR HEART oh hey Rose" he screemed like Elvis or Marty McFly. "Guess what! We're rescuing you now" I shouted heroicely and we hugged. Pearl said "Now we just have to get back into your homeworld and continue our Gem mission!"_

 _That was when I realized somethin was wrog. Pearl usually always sed "Crystal Gems" and she never said just "Gems" and that meant that that wasn't a real Pearl it was one of the non-defective ones from Homeworld! "You're not MY Pearl, you're just some random Pearl!" I shotted an ponted the gem destabelezer at her but she holographed herself onto me an took the gem destabelezer._

 _This was serios business so I pulled out ma shield an sword an attacked Fake Pearl an she ran back into a wall bu instead of a wall there was My Pearl's speer! Fake Pearl got poofed an I bubbled her so she cold be a cool addishun to our Crystal Gem team witch I wanted to alweys make bigger bu then I herd a click._

 _"Not so fast" it was Yellow Diamond and she had taken the gem destabelezer from me and was pointing at me!_

 _TO BE CONTINUED?_

 _HOW DID I SURVIVE THAT? AN WHATS WRONG WITH HOMEWORLD AFTER 5K YEARS? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER 3 WITH EVEN MORE INTENSE ACTION!_

* * *

"This..." Steven closed the makeshift book once again and stepped out of Rose's room back to his own.


	3. Secrets of Human History

Just before he walked through the door, Steven noticed that the cloud creations disappeared, leaving the papers alone on the cloud floor. Deciding that this was not a safe place from them, Steven picked them up and peered through the door. He didn't want to catch any Crystal Gem wanting to destroy the document, simply because of a thing such as "grammar mistakes".

Luckily, in his room none of the gems were around. Well, unless you counted Lion, and even though there was a bubbled gem in his mane, it would still have been a stretch to call him a gem. Steven finally made the step through the door, then ran towards Lion and dropped the story in his mane, so that it would be out of everyone's reach.

...Well, Steven still didn't know if other gems could get in there, but as they taught him, "better safe than sorry". See? That is grammatically incorrect! Where is "to be"?

As Steven thought that, his eyes were drawn towards the wall where the door to the outside would typically be. Sure, the window was still broken by a hilariously overreacting Pearl, but there was another detail that was different the last time. The portrait of Rose Quartz, which used to hang above the wall, was now on the ground next to the door. It must have fallen, but since it was face down, it wasn't simply hung down by someone. It must have either fallen on its own or been disrupted by a house-shaking event.

While Steven was staring at the plain wooden wall where the painting used to be, Amethyst and Garnet appeared on the warp pad. "Yo, Ste-man, everything okay?" The purple gem (not that Steven could see, with his back still turned to the warp pad) began.

"Steven will be fine. He still has a lot to discover about his mother. Pearl, on the other hand..." Garnet informed, as swift as the coursing river of time.

"Pearl what?" Steven turned around to look at his other two caretakers. He always saw Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet as a team, and it was completely unacceptable for him to see any single one of them separated.

"She's just having one of those episodes about Rose, man. She'll be okay." Amethyst false-assured.

"The Strawberry Battlefield." Garnet ever-so-cryptically informed Steven of Pearl's whereabouts, presumably so Lion could teleport him there.

And he did. Before any three of the gems could blink, Lion roared, opening one of those pink portals. Steven leaped through it without second thinking.

* * *

Steven landed on a floating platform, similar to those that were positioned when he was getting to the Heaven Beetle. Pearl was also there, sitting by the edge, holding onto a pink scabbard she had found on the Battlefield, so deeply in her memories that it took a while for her to notice her favorite gem turned half-human.

"Steven! What are you doing here?!" Pearl shouted. Steven swore that no matter how far away Beach City was, her shouting could probably be heard here.

"Garnet and Amethyst told me you might be needing help, so I-"

"I do _not_ need help. Thank you." Pearl continued to dismiss everything that Steven wanted to give her.

"It's about the story, isn't it." Steven reached inside Lion's mane and took out the all-familiar papers. Then, he shooed Lion, who teleported himself to another place, yet to be known.

"It's not _just_ the story, Steven. You still think that your power of friendship can magically solve everything, don't you?" Pearl dropped the scabbard, stood up and looked at Steven. "I've known Rose since before Gemkind even knew of the Earth, and that alone means some six thousand years. You think I wasn't shocked when she said that she would _die_ just so you could exist?"

"What?" Six thousand years meant nothing to someone who was in his early teens.

"And then? She just leaves behind many secrets to be discovered. Like this... this... what kind of _torture_ did she _deliberately want_ us to go through?"

"I don't think it's torture. I think it gives the language an unique flavor." Steven thought back to the grammar mistakes.

"Yeah, a language that will likely be erased by the flow of time anyway."

"Pearl? I don't think you realize, but I'm not that well-versed on human history. Hard to keep track when you don't even go to school."

"Human history holds so many secrets, and it's a shame you're missing out on them. I promise you to teach them in due time." Pearl's voice had finally returned to normal. "But for now, let's see what Rose has encased in this text."

"Alright."

"But one more thing: we will have our backs turned to each other, so I don't look at the mistakes and feel the need to fix them." Pearl looked away from Steven and sat down.

"That's weird, but okay." Steven took a seat away from Pearl, opened the document and continued from where he had left off.

* * *

 _AN: To gems that lick ma story: thanks so I can say TAKE THAT to everyone who DOESNT LICK ma story so it CONTINUES TO THIS DAY.  
_

 _Anyways heers_

 ** _LION 3: SPECTATORS OF THE HOST_**  
 _Chapter 3 Rundaywoo with Grassy Planet_

 _Yellow Diamond lolled wile holdin the gem destabelezer to my neck. "Hahaha now ALL the Diamonds will be finally poofed. You at the hands of me, me at the hands of maself, White Diamond in the core of the sun an Blue Diamond trapped in a mirror at some werd planet."_

* * *

"But that's Lapis!" Steven exclaimed.

"Yes, Lapis Lazuli once did use to hold the title of Blue Diamond. I will teach that and much more to you in no time. But for now, please continue." Pearl ordered.

"Okay, okay."

* * *

 _Her lolling intensefied as I cold feel the electricety runnin thru me an disablin me._

 _Bu then... GARNET PUNSHED YELLOW DIAMONDS GEM DESTABELEZER AWAY! The gem destabelezer flew outta hand ship an onto the hands ofa Homeworld gem called Crystal Quartz who im TOTALLY NOT RELATED 2 an she poofed. "YOU F***** YOU HAVE STOPED MY SEWISED FOR THE LAST TIME ROSE QUARTZ SINCE I WILL NOW CRUSH YOUR GEM" Yellow Diamond shotted with mad on her feces bu Garnet landed another punch to Yellow Diamond an she was outta our ship for good an could only intercom us now._

 _Perl repiloted the ship onto the Grassy Planet an was veray goot at avoiding asterods. AMETHYST (Thanks consertive critisim gems an NOT TROLLS) tho thot that the asterods made nice trofees an she picked them up to stuff them in her room as she alweys did. Yellow Diamond YELLED (LOL) more kurses to us bu we turned of the interkom an flew thru constallations.  
_

 _Grassy Planet came up fast so we did a stop gesture w/ tha hand ship an it stoped thru the atmosphere burnin so it was the uglest mixture of red an green ever. IT ladled w/ a crash on the Crystal Temple an the interkom turned back on an began playin Avril Lavinge music agane. That made us sick so Greg rocknrolled so hard that the Avril Lavigne blew up an it hit a Big Donut were to guis named Iggy an Hewey were workin so they had to be replased an a nice copple named Lars n Sadey showd up.  
_

 _I hugged Greg w/ all ma beauty an said "Hey I didnt tell u yet an any one of you". "Hmm wat is it Rose" Garnet hmmed. Perl overreacted like she alweys does **("I do**_ **not** _**overreact. Thank you.")** and it was even be4 I reveled the big plo twist so I jus lolled at dum Perl an sed "Guys... IM PREGENANT WITH GREGS CRYSTAL GEM/HUMAN BABY!"  
_

 _Perl tried to LOL it off lick "haha ure one of those human smelly things" an Greg slapped her ova the face because hes human an didnt like it when humans are insulted. Amethyst deceded that she shold try an get pregnant somtime **("And I'm sincerely glad that I convinced her not to. One loss is already more than enough for all of us.")** wile Garnet looked into the future wit Future Vision an told us another evan mor shockin fact._

 _"Guys Rose will haf to die to give birth to da baby" she anonced. I o-mouthed, Id have to die an Ill neva see ma Crystal Gem/human baby? Greg looked at Garnet w/ tears in his eyes an begged her "Please tell me ur lying!" "Nope 100% troof" an he lerned that hed have to make the rest of are time with me. Amythest lolled at everthin an Pearl jus ren off on her place awey from home so she coldnt be confornted._

 _It was time fo me to go on a MAGICEL RIDE to konvence Perl that everthin wold be okey. I hoped abord a pet I have named Lyon an we set off._

 _TO BE CONTINUED?_

 _AN I need platzes fo me to visit in ma quest fo Perl can u suggest any? Thanks!_

 _PS: The gems that are my sole confidantes (lookin at u Perl): if your readin this then your makin a BIG MISTAKE!_

* * *

"Well, Pearl, I suppose you are saved by the fact that _I_ 'm reading this."

"Very funny, Steven." Just the idea that Rose could be hiding stuff specifically from Pearl made her begin to lose faith in her trusted master - and, since Steven _was_ part Rose, Pearl was only minutes away from slicing him in half with one of the swords in her gem. "It's very reassuring to know that all this time, while I trusted Rose, she just thought we are a big joke. A story."

"If you don't like Rose's story, we could always write a better one ourselves."

"Wow, what a bet." Pearl fell silent, holding tighter onto the scabbard. Steven patiently waited for her to respond.

"You know what, alright. If it will put my mind off it, then it's a bet."

"Story buds!" Steven shouted excitedly.

"Steven, please, no. While writing the parody story, I would like to remain as dignified as possible."


	4. Founding Story

_Today's parody: My Immortal by XXXbloodyrists666XXX_

* * *

"So, when are Steven and Pearl coming back?" Amethyst, still uneasy about being left alone in a room with Garnet, asked.

"Five... four... three... two... _one_." Garnet counted.

Immediately after the one, the warp pad activated, and Steven and Pearl appeared. Pearl looked reasonably worn out, while Steven seemed to be excited and didn't even wait for the warp pad to be disabled until he started speaking. "Guys! Pearl is sort of fine. She kept saying things while I was reading, but - anyway. We're founding a writing club!"

"A writing club?" Amethyst wondered.

"I would like to make a more formal introduction to the gathering." Pearl began speaking before Steven could explain anything. "You see, Rose Quartz's literature was, to say the least... inspiring. So, Steven and I decided that we should write more, similar stories about us!"

"Can't we just go on a mission? That would be real." The purple gem kept at the question game.

"Hmm. How to put this..." Pearl was caught in a trance.

"Sometimes, a mission just doesn't bring you all the satisfaction. Remember when I was still having trouble summoning my weapon?"

"But you made creative use of your surroundings." The fusion suggested.

"Hmm." Steven was going to defend the idea, but didn't know how.

"Some things just can't happen in real life. That's why we have stories in the first place!" Pearl made her comeback.

"Alright." Garnet finally sat down at the table in Steven's room, and Amethyst and Pearl followed.

Steven picked up a paper, seemingly written on the back of the cover of the previous story. "So! Our first contribution comes from _yours truly,_ but I had some assistance from Pearl."

"Against all odds, it somehow even manages to surpass the first one's incredulity. What an amazing job, both of you." Garnet's Future Vision spoke.

"We did try our best! Steven, please begin." Pearl suggested.

"Ahem."

* * *

 _AN: Special tanzanite (get it, coz Im jem) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) Pearl, healintearz10000 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Connie ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! AVRIL LAVIGNE ROX!  
_

 _ **("Then, a whole bunch of crosses. Pearl suggested that this would add a certain flavor of... hmm. I'll continue.")**_

 _Hi my name is Steven Pink'ness Quartz Rose Cutie Pie Universe and I have a pink rose quartz_ _ _gem_ (that's how I got my name) in my belly and black curly weighted hair and black eyes like healing tears and a lot of people tell me I look like my mom (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) I am related to Greg Universe, who is my father, and that is great because he's a major **(Amethyst loudly burped, making the word inaudible.)**_ _hottie. I'm a Crystal Gem but my skin is pale and pink. I have pearly white teeth. I'm also a human being, and I live in a magic city called Beach City in Delmarva where I have some friends like Lars and Sadie (Lars is my BFF). I'm a gem (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly stars. I love shapeshifting and I get all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a pink shirt with a large golden star on it and blue jeans, and pink sandals. I also had put on my wiggly eyebrows. I was walking outside in Beach City. There was no clouds nor rain so it was sunny, which I was very happy about. A lot of humans stared at me. I only waved and giggled._

 _"Hey Steven!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Connie Maheswaran!_

 _"What's up Connie?" I asked._

 _"Nothing." she said shyly._

 _But then, I heard the Crystal Gems call me and I had to go away._

 _ **("More crosses...")**_

 _AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me tanzanite!_

* * *

"What was the appeal again? Just because Rose wrote poorly, now we all are going to write poorly?" Amethyst wondered.

"It's the only way to write." Garnet concluded.

"Alright, there should be a chapter 2 as well." Pearl pointed towards the paper that Steven was holding.

"Ah, right. Ahem."

* * *

 _Chapter 2._

 _AN: Tanzanite 2 healintearz10000 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW Lars sto pflaming ma story ok!_

* * *

"And there's a random ten-thousand in the crosses. What does that mean again?" Steven asked Pearl.

"Oh, I just inserted that because I was doing some calculations and I believe this to be my age in Earth years!"

"That is pretty old." Steven looked back to his story.

* * *

 _The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was sunny and shining again. I opened the door of Rose's room and ate some clouds because they were in the room. Rose's room was pink quartz and it had all sorts of stuff that I could ask for (literally.) I got out of the room and took off my giant Mr. Universe t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on my usual sandals, darker blue jeans and an identical shirt with a star. I put on four gemstones ripped from wedding rings on the shirt, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun._

 _My friend, Pearl **("That's me! Isn't this story just great?")** woke up and grinned at me. She flipped her pointy tangerine hair with hints of peach and opened her sky blue eyes. She put on her Avril Lavigne t-shirt with a cyan mini, a bow around her chest, and pink socks. She put on her makeup (she isn't really all white that's just makeup)._

 _"OMFG, I saw you talking to Connie Maheswaran yesterday!" she said excitedly._

 _"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing._

 _"Do you like Connie?" she asked as we went out of the Crystal Gem common room and into the private beach that we have._

 _"Why are you jumping to conclusions so quickly?!" I shouted._

 _"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Connie walked up to me._

 _"Hi." she said._

 _"Hi." I replied flirtily._

 _"Guess what." she said._

 _"What?" I asked._

 _"Well, Greg Universe is having a concert in Ocean City." she told me._

* * *

"I've never heard of Ocean City." Garnet mused, in a different, dumber-sounding voice.

"Exactly!" Pearl continued to smile throughout the reading.

* * *

 _"Oh. My. Eff. Gee!" I screamed. I love my dad. He's my favorite musician, besides Avril Lavigne.  
_

 _"Well... do you want to go with me?" she asked._

 _I gasped._

* * *

"We promise to do more in mean time. Thanks for tuning in, and I sincerely look forward to future meetings of the book club." Pearl concluded.

"So, who was this Avril Lavigne anyway?" Amethyst asked.

"Just a nobody." Garnet shook the question away.

"Also," Amethyst followed up, "is it ten thousand or ten thousand four?"

"Well, ten thousand four isn't a round number, is it?" Pearl laughed.

"Alright." Garnet stood up. "The next one to present a story will be me. Please excuse me while I learn what I wrote." She headed off to her room.

"Wow, this idea was really great." Steven smiled as he sat down next to Pearl.

"Writing buds." Pearl smiled as she put her hand on Steven's shoulder.

"Writing buds."

"Get a room." Amethyst, the queen of being disgusting, was now disgusted herself.


	5. Splitting Up

_Today's parody: Half-Life: Full Life Consequences by squirrelking_

* * *

Pearl stood up, leaving Steven and Amethyst at the table. She went up to Steven's computer, picked fresh sheets of paper from the printer and returned to the table. She and Steven had taken the opportunity to continue their story while Garnet was writing her own, and thus began: _Chapter 3._

Particularly, Pearl had been enjoying the experience. Just a few days ago, she thought that there was no way that she could be getting into any human fiction, because the adventures that various gems have are much more exciting, but this was _gem_ fiction. There was much to be explored from the medium.

"No, but seriously, what's the point?" Amethyst asked, once she had gotten enough of the scribbling.

"The point is to prove that gem fiction is superior to human fiction in all ways." Pearl answered.

"Nah, I'd pick those books that Connie reads over your story any time. And also, your story needs a name."

"Well," Steven posited, "the whole scene resembles that one time when I and Connie first met and got trapped in a bubble..."

"I know! Our story will be called _Bubble Buddies._ Isn't that catchy?" Pearl noted her newly created title on the story.

"Alright, P. Let's see what Garnet brings." As Amethyst said this, Garnet appeared on the other side of the door to the Crystal Temple.

"Ready." She said. Pearl put down her writing, and she, Steven and Amethyst once again got ready to listen.

* * *

 _Ruby and Sapphire who are fused with Sapphire and Ruby respectively were one day in the Crystal Temple communicating via a corrupted gem. They got a message from Pearl and Amethyst that aliens and monsters were attacking their place and aksed them for help so they went.  
_

 _Ruby and Sapphire got the corrupted gem bubbled and wet on the warp pad to go up to the lighthouse of the temple where they left their motorcycle and normal people close because they were in their fusion lab coat. Ruby and Sapphire got on their motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my crystal name and face full life consequences" so they had to go._

 _Ruby and Sapphire ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. They kept driving down the road and made sure there was no corrupted gems around because they hadn't summoned their weapon._

 _Beach City was nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for Ruby and Sapphire's quest to help the other Crystal Gems where they were. Ruby and Sapphire looked around Beach City and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my sisters to defeat the enemys"._

 _Ruby and Sapphire were late so they had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when Ruby and Sapphire went by the cop named Mr. Maheswaran came **("He's a private security guard, Garnet." "There is no Garnet right now.")** and wanted to give them a ticket. Here Ruby and Sapphire saw the first monster because Mr. Maheswaran was really a shape shifting corrupted gem._

 _"I cant give you my lisense Mr. Maheswaran" Ruby and Sapphire said._

 _"Why not?" said the Gem Maheswaran back to Ruby and Sapphire._

 _"Because you are gem monster" so Ruby and Sapphire shot the gem in the head and it poofed. Ruby and Sapphire bubbled the gem and drove off thinking "my sisters are in trouble there" and went faster._

 _Ruby and Sapphire had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Pearl and Amethyst needed them where they were. Ruby and Sapphire looked at road signs and saw "Galaxy Warp" with Peridots writing under it saying "CRYSTAL CLODS WILL NOT MESS WITH ME" so Ruby and Sapphire almost turned around but heard screaming like Pearl and Amethyst so they went faster again._

 _Ruby and Sapphire drove in and did another flip n jumped off their motorbike and the motor bike took out some corrupted gems infront of Ruby and Sapphire. Ruby and Sapphire smiled and bubbled fast. Ruby and Sapphire then looked on the ground and found wepon so they pickd it up and fired fast at gem monsters in front of a pillar._

 _Ruby and Sapphire said "Gem monsters leave this place" and the gem monsters said "but this is our house" and Ruby and Sapphire felt sorry for them because the Galaxy Warp wasn't a real house and all the warps were inactive anyway so they blew up the warp and killed the gem monsters so they were at piece._

 _Then Ruby and Sapphire herd another scream from their sisters so they kept walking really faster to get where they were. Galaxy Wardp was nothing like Beach City there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from plug robonoids._

 _When Ruby and Sapphire got to where the screaming was started from they found their sisters Perl and Amethyst fightin the gem monster of this weeek and Pearl said "Ruby and Sapphire! Over here!" so Ruby and Sapphire went there to where Pearl and Amethyst were fighting. Ruby and Sapphire fired their rocket gauntlets from teh gem really fast and the gauntlets went and shot the gem monster of this week in the eyes and the gem monster of this week couldn't see._

 _Pearl and Amethyst said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and Purple Puma punched the gem monster of this week and the gem monster of this week poofed. Ruby and Sapphire said "thanks i could help, dudes" and Pearl and Amethyst said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed._

 _The laughed overed quickly though because Ruby and Sapphire yelled "LOOK OUT THERE!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Pearl and Amethyst looked up and said "NOO! Ruby and Sapphire run out of here fast as you can!" and Ruby and Sapphire walked real fast out._

 _Ruby and Sapphire loked back and saw Pearl get poofed on by the gem monster of next week and they were mad and angry._

 _"I'll get you back evil monsters!" Ruby and Sapphire (but mostly Ruby) yelled at the top of lungs._

 _to be continued (definitely. remember i have future vision -sapphire)_

* * *

"So, are we supposed to be Opal or what?" Amethyst wondered.

"I was just parodying the fact that in that other story, we three were basically one and the same." Garnet's sunglasses twinkled.

"But Ruby and Sapphire are essentially the same now, right?" Pearl asked.

"Not exactly." Garnet began. "You see, the development of the story, in which the two characters appear to be the same and only diverge in the very end, is an inversion of how my relationship began. When Ruby and Sapphire first fused, we had serious trouble by trying to not say two things at the same time. That is why we learned to only say stilted phrases. In fact, the elongated storytelling seems to have taken its toll on me. My mouth feels sore..."

Even though she said the last words calmly, suddenly Garnet began shouting. "As if you're the only one that's hurt here!"

The other side of the fusion spoke again. "We don't have to share the pain together..."

"Very well then, go. And take your stupid story with you!" With these words, Garnet's physical form began glowing and split into two. The gems fell backwards and stopped glowing, revealing a red gem that looked like a fighter and a blue gem that looked like a maid with her eyes covered.

"That's Ruby and Sapphire?" Steven stood up, wanting to meet the two newfound gems. This was the first time he had seen them, but he was already able to correctly guess that the red one was Ruby and the blue one was Sapphire.

"I will not perform the stupid action just because it's in your Future Vision script!" Ruby shouted.

"It was only to demonstrate the quality of writing we would be getting into." Sapphire's voice almost seemed like it was physically cooling down the place.

"Look, Steven's right here! And I don't think that it's his birthday!"

"The proper introduction of us to Steven was never meant to happen."

"Alright, I get it, it's my turn to write and present. I will shove myself out then." Amethyst stood up and walked to her own room, leaving Steven and Pearl alone with the two unfamiliar gems.

"Yeah, as if your writing will fix Garnet." Pearl shouted.

"What a bet." Amethyst shouted back before closing the door to her room.

* * *

 _Author's idiotisms: Ouch.  
_


	6. Grand Finale

_**LION 3: SPECTATORS OF THE HOST**  
Chapter 16: Face-Off Against Esor Ztrauq_

* * *

 _[...] Esor cried hurtin teers towards were I was bu I took my normel spit an launched it at her so she was burned all over! "G****** F***** B**** WHAT ARE YOU DOING ROSE QUARTZ MY GOOD TWINE" Esor shouted and esored me in stomach where my Crystal Gem/human baby was!  
_

 _"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I cried at the abortion of my babby. "No more fiting I WILL NOW KILL YOU ONSE AN FOR ALL even tho Im supposed to die" I shotted an got the gem destabelezer from back on Homeworld throu one of Lyons portals an stabbed Esor in her own stomach so she lit up an exploded into jus her rose quartz gem that she has cos shes my evil clone. Then the gem exploded an died. Tho I was now gonin to labor so I was reley fatigued and past out. Eventshelly tho the labor took me completely ovar an I died as well._

 _When I awaked I was in the Cryin Breakfast Frends set an Greg, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Pear, Crosseant an others was starin at me. "Rose why did u leave us" Pearl overreactioned but everone else was jus smilin at me. "The baby is wonderful" Greg happied an I relized that I wasent myself in fact, I was the Crystal Gem/human baby of myself!_

 _Ametyhst hmmed to herself an sed "hey what shold we name the baby?" Greg only reported "Her named will be Rose Quartz Universe in onor of her dead mother and me who made her dead" and Garnet was like "WTF its a boy" an pointed at ma boy thingy that I have. Greg whoawhoawhoaed at Garnet an was like "okay then Steven it is" and everone agreed that ma kid/myselfs name shold be that. Crosseant tho jus plugged stuff in me to make shore I woldnt die a second time._

 _Soon enouf the new-_ er _Pink Diamond was ther an she gave everone metals but I coldnt wear medals sins I was a baby an anyway it was actshelly for Rose Quartz an not Steven Quartz so it wos more memorabeelea. Wif that Lyon portaled everone to the past an in onor of Rose Greg bult a house so I cold live there with Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. It was in that moment when I became... STEVEN QUARTZ UNIVERSE!_

 _EPILOG_

 _Yellow Diamond was in space an looked at floatin body parts that are Gem spaceships. She thought bout how much she wanted Rose Quartz dead but then two hands clapped and crushed her and she died._

 _THE END_

 _"Take care of them, Steven."_

* * *

 _Author's idiotisms: I am not continuing this story anymore. As much as it's fun to write as various trollfic writers, I've been reading too many recent SU fics with cheesy premises and that just made me think of what Amethyst said:_

"Just because Rose wrote poorly, now we all are going to write poorly?"

 _And I don't want to give a bad example myself. Sorry, guys. At least you can still follow Blooming Rose._


End file.
